Disciplining Children

FIX IT WITH LOVE SERIES – Good Moms and Dads Don’t Discipline

Good Moms and Dads create a safe and a loving environment for themselves and for their children

• They ensure healthy boundaries;
• They strive to accept themselves and their children unconditionally (exactly the way they are);
• Unconditional Acceptance makes Secure Connection possible;
• They take responsible for ensuring that their children’s needs are deeply understood and that these needs get met;

Good Moms and Dads are continuously engaged in personal growth work because:

• Healthy parenting requires a radical shift from ME consciousness to WE consciousness, and the only way to achieve this shift in consciousness is through prolonged, personal growth work;
• Until a parent does this work, they’re incapable of unconditionally accepting and deeply understanding their children’s emotional needs;
• They’re unable to model or to provide secure attachment for their children because they haven’t yet experienced secure attachment for themselves.

If your child is doing something that you find annoying or dangerous, their only reason for doing so is to seek reassurance that their connection with you is secure!

• Their behaviour is usually a sign that every one of their more harmonious strategies for securing reassurance have failed – they’ve been forced to up-the-ante!
• When a child (or an adult) is unable to re-establish connection with one of their primary sources of love, then their nervous system automatically triggers into fight or flight survival mode!!

Most forms of discipline are intended to convey the message that there is something wrong with what the child has DONE!

Over 99.9% of children (and adults) misinterpret this as:
There is something wrong with YOU!
Here’s the reason why ⇒

From the child’s perspective: If the child is reacting to a fear of disconnection ⇒ (Without a caregiver, a young child is at risk of dying, so disconnection feels terrifying. As a child get older, this association of disconnection with death persists) and all of their ‘acceptable’ attempts at securing a connection are being ignored or are not being noticed ⇒ then they are DOING nothing wrong!

So, if they are doing nothing wrong ⇒ and you are, nevertheless, disciplining them ⇒ Then there must be something inherently wrong with them!!!

Whenever someone in the family system is feeling emotional pain, parents are encouraged to ask these 3 questions to ascertain the source of that pain:

1. What could be preventing the person, who is suffering, from feeling unconditionally accepted?
2. Are they feeling securely connected?
3. Are they feeling as if their emotional needs are deeply understood and that these needs matter?

Humans only feel loved while we are experiencing unconditional acceptance, secure connection and deep understanding. Otherwise, we feel isolated, disconnected and rejected.When one person in a family is suffering:

1. Something in the family system is usually out of balance;
2. His/her pain is not “the problem” – it is a warning lamp, indicating the presence of a problem within the family system;
3. The family system needs to recover for the individual’s pain to be healed.

Everyone in the family system is:

1. Striving to find (ACU) unconditional Acceptance; secure Connection and deep Understanding
2. Feels distress whenever they’re not feeling (ACU) unconditional Acceptance; secure Connection and deep Understanding

The “Learning to Love” Curriculum teaches members of a family how to:

1. Access (ACU) unconditional Acceptance, secure Connection and deep Understanding with or without the support of other family members;
2. Make ACU accessible and available to all family members

The comprehensive curriculum for learning to love:

Learning to Love Your Guide to Personal Empowerment
Available only at www.b-loops.com

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